I am scared....
Updated: Jul 24, 2019
Everyone thinks that bravery is the absence of fear, that people who have done great things weren't scared...That they somehow knew what they would do, say, or be in a moment that would define the rest of their life. I don't think anything could be farther from the truth. It takes courage to live out the truth...So what's my truth?
The truth is I want to be a missionary. I have wanted to since the day I quit my job in 2009 to move to Redding, CA to attend Bible school. Since the time, I was 19 years old and boarded a bus to travel to New York City alone for the first time. Since the day I got on a plane and headed to the Republic of Georgia (Eastern Europe) to become an English teacher. There have been so many moments in my life proving how I was created for this moment, which feel like a mystery God has been putting together inside my heart that I had no words to verbalize. There is something inside me that loves a good mystery because God often wraps himself in parables and in mystery and invites us to discover Him. (Proverbs 25:2)
My mission field isn't some rugged impoverished landscape...It's one of the most amazing and beautiful cities in the world. The beautiful city of Paris, known for its glamor and secularism. It's teaching radiant Parisians to trust that God can do more for them than they could ever imagine and of His love for them that is distinct from religious performance.
I honestly don't know where I got such audacity. French people don't need me. The truth is, I need them. There is a part of my destiny tied up in the Francophone world. For the past three years, I have traveled to this nation to deposit and serve. Being there puts my world in Technicolor, where sights and sounds have deeper and express meanings; it's the place where I am most myself. It's scary to love something this much, to want it. It would be easier to protect myself from disappointment but I cannot obey my fear. Yes, I am scared but there is another feeling that is more present: Passion. It's the passion of the Lord and the belief that God has something for me in this beautiful nation.
Passion from God says...I must pursue beyond the logical that I can see.
So here's one of the keys I have learned in transition, as long as I fight against what I desire because I am afraid of being to prideful, look foolish, or making the wrong decision, I simply lock myself into a longer transition season. It's when I can begin to trust what has placed in me that I begin to move forward. If I am wrong He can correct it, if I am right, He can fuel it but as long as I sit in limbo afraid to make a decision, I am extending the time I spend in transition.
To clarify my desires I must answer the question "What do I want?" If you think you don't know, then Begin to ask yourself, what is the thing I can do for the rest of my life? Then bring it before the Lord asking for His guidance. Ask Him to send wise people to speak into your life and make a commitment to surrender to Him even if He says "No".
So the question is: "What do you want?"